Modern dating has introduced plenty of new terms, but few describe the confusion of romantic relationships quite like a situationship.
You talk every day. You spend weekends together. You might share personal stories, go on dates, and feel emotionally connected. Sometimes, the relationship looks and feels serious. Yet when someone asks whether you’re officially together, neither of you has a clear answer.
That’s where things get complicated.
A situationship can feel exciting in the beginning because there’s less pressure to define the relationship. But when feelings deepen and expectations change, the lack of clarity can become difficult to manage.
Understanding the situationship meaning isn’t just about learning another dating term. It’s about recognizing what kind of connection you’re building, whether it meets your emotional needs, and what you should do when you’re no longer comfortable with uncertainty.
This guide explores what a situationship really is, why people enter one, the most common signs, healthy boundaries, potential red flags, and how to decide whether to stay, define the relationship, or move on.
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What Is a Situationship?
A situationship is a romantic or intimate connection that exists without a clearly defined relationship status, shared expectations, or agreed-upon commitment.
Two people may enjoy dating, spending time together, or being physically intimate without identifying as an official couple.
Unlike a traditional committed relationship, a situationship often leaves important questions unanswered.
Are you exclusive? Are you both interested in something serious? Is the relationship moving forward, or are you simply enjoying each other’s company?
Sometimes, neither person knows.
Other times, one person has a clear preference but hasn’t communicated it.
According to Cleveland Clinic, situationships commonly involve unclear boundaries, inconsistent communication, limited future planning, and uncertainty about where the connection is going.
However, being in a situationship doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong. Some people genuinely prefer a flexible romantic connection without long-term expectations.
The difference lies in whether both individuals understand and feel comfortable with the arrangement.
Situationship Meaning in Simple Words
Imagine two people who regularly go on dates, text throughout the day, and occasionally stay overnight at each other’s homes.
They enjoy spending time together and might even develop strong feelings.
But they haven’t discussed exclusivity, commitment, or their future.
They behave like a couple without agreeing that they are one.
That’s a common example of a situationship.
The defining feature isn’t necessarily the absence of love or affection. It’s the absence of a shared understanding about the relationship.
Why Are Situationships So Common in Modern Dating?
Situationships aren’t entirely new. People have experienced undefined romantic connections for generations.
What has changed is the language used to describe them and the visibility of these experiences through dating apps, social media, and online conversations.
A 2024 YouGov survey of 1,110 American adults found that 39% reported having experienced a situationship. Among adults aged 18 to 34, that figure reached 50%.
These findings reflect the surveyed US population, not everyone worldwide. Still, they suggest that undefined romantic relationships are a familiar experience for many younger adults.
Several factors may contribute to their popularity.
Dating Apps Create More Opportunities to Meet People
Dating apps make it easier to connect with potential partners, but meeting more people doesn’t necessarily make it easier to establish commitment.
Someone may enjoy getting to know a person while remaining open to other connections.
Without direct conversations about expectations, an initially casual dating arrangement can develop into an undefined relationship.
People Have Different Priorities
Not everyone is actively searching for a serious relationship.
Some people prioritize education, careers, personal independence, or recovery from a previous breakup.
They may appreciate romantic companionship without wanting the responsibilities of a committed partnership.
That preference isn’t inherently unhealthy, provided it’s communicated honestly.
Fear of Rejection Can Delay Important Conversations
Asking someone, “What are we?” can feel intimidating.
You might worry that bringing up commitment will make the other person uncomfortable or cause the connection to end.
As a result, you avoid the conversation and hope the relationship becomes clearer naturally.
Unfortunately, avoiding the question doesn’t guarantee that both people want the same thing.
Emotional Connection Can Develop Before Commitment
People don’t always fall in love according to a predictable timeline.
You might enter a connection expecting something casual, only to develop stronger feelings later.
When your emotional needs change, the original arrangement may no longer work for you.
That’s when defining the relationship becomes especially important.
10 Signs You’re in a Situationship
Not every undefined relationship looks the same. Some are affectionate and consistent, while others are unpredictable.
However, the following signs may help you recognize when a romantic connection lacks clear expectations.
1. You Don’t Know What to Call the Relationship
One of the clearest situationship signs is uncertainty about your relationship status.
You spend time together, but you’re unsure whether to introduce the other person as your partner, someone you’re dating, or simply a friend.
You might avoid labels because neither of you has discussed them.
The important distinction is whether the label is missing by mutual choice or because someone is avoiding an uncomfortable conversation.
2. You Communicate Regularly but Avoid Serious Discussions
You might exchange messages every morning, send funny videos, and talk late into the night.
Yet conversations about exclusivity, emotional expectations, or the future rarely happen.
Frequent communication can create a feeling of closeness, but it doesn’t automatically establish commitment.
A 2026 study published in Sexuality & Culture examined communication and trust among 261 young adults. The findings associated situationship status with lower partner trust in the studied sample.
That doesn’t mean every situationship lacks trust. It does suggest that communication frequency alone isn’t enough to describe relationship quality.
3. Your Plans Are Usually Last-Minute
Perhaps you frequently hear:
“Are you free tonight?”
“Want to come over?”
“Let’s see what happens this weekend.”
Spontaneous plans aren’t inherently bad. Plenty of healthy couples enjoy them.
But if the other person consistently avoids making plans in advance while expecting you to remain available, you may begin to feel like an option rather than a priority.
Look for patterns rather than judging a single cancelled or spontaneous date.
4. You Haven’t Discussed Exclusivity
You might assume you’re only seeing each other because the connection feels serious.
However, the other person may believe you’re both free to date others.
Without a conversation, neither assumption is reliable.
Exclusivity should be discussed rather than inferred from affection, physical intimacy, or the amount of time spent together.
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5. You’re Emotionally Close but Uncertain About Commitment
Some situationships involve meaningful emotional intimacy.
You may support each other through difficult days, discuss personal struggles, and share private experiences.
Yet you still don’t know whether you’re building a long-term relationship.
This combination can be especially confusing because emotional closeness may create expectations that haven’t been mutually acknowledged.
6. You Rarely Discuss the Future
You enjoy spending time together in the present, but future plans remain vague.
Perhaps you’ve never discussed upcoming holidays, important events, or whether you want a serious relationship.
Not every new relationship needs long-term plans immediately.
However, if you’ve been seeing each other for a significant period and future-oriented conversations are consistently avoided, it’s worth asking why.
7. You Haven’t Become Part of Each Other’s Wider Lives
You might spend considerable time alone together but know very little about each other’s friends, family, or everyday routines.
Again, context matters.
Some people prefer privacy, and introducing someone to family can be a major step depending on cultural expectations.
The concern arises when someone repeatedly keeps you separate from their life while encouraging emotional intimacy.
8. You Feel Unsure About What You Can Expect
Can you call when you’re having a difficult day?
Is it reasonable to expect regular communication?
Should you tell each other before dating someone new?
If you’re constantly guessing what is acceptable, the relationship may lack boundaries.
Healthy connections don’t require identical expectations, but they benefit from expectations that are clearly understood.
9. You Avoid Asking Questions Because You’re Afraid of the Answer
You may want clarity but hesitate to ask for it.
Perhaps you’re afraid the other person will say they don’t want a relationship.
Or you worry that asking for commitment will make you seem demanding.
Wanting to understand the nature of your romantic connection is reasonable.
You can respect another person’s independence while still asking whether your expectations align.
10. You Feel More Confused Than Comfortable
One of the most useful questions is how the relationship affects your everyday emotional experience.
Do you generally feel respected and secure?
Or do you spend significant time analyzing messages, worrying about where you stand, and questioning whether your needs matter?
Occasional uncertainty is normal, especially in early dating.
Persistent distress, however, deserves attention.
Quick self-check: Is this connection working for you?
I understand what the other person wants from this connection.Yes No Not sure
We have discussed important boundaries, including exclusivity.Yes No Not sure
I feel comfortable expressing my emotional needs.Yes No Not sure
Their actions are generally consistent with what they tell me.Yes No Not sure
I would still choose this arrangement if it remained the same for the next few months.Yes No Not sure
Situationship vs Dating vs Relationship: What’s the Difference?
These terms overlap, but they aren’t interchangeable.
| Feature | Situationship | Casual Dating | Committed Relationship |
|---|---|---|---|
| Romantic interest | Usually present | Usually present | Present |
| Defined status | Often unclear | May be openly casual | Generally clear |
| Exclusivity | Uncertain unless discussed | Depends on agreement | Depends on agreement |
| Future expectations | Often undefined | Usually limited or developing | More explicitly discussed |
| Emotional intimacy | Varies widely | Varies | Often substantial |
| Commitment | Unclear or unagreed | Usually limited | Mutually established |
The biggest difference isn’t how affectionate two people are. It’s whether they share an understanding of their relationship.
Two people can have a healthy casual dating arrangement because they’ve openly agreed to it.
Meanwhile, two people who act like a serious couple may struggle because they’ve never discussed what their connection means.
Situationship vs Friends With Benefits
A situationship and a friends-with-benefits arrangement can involve physical intimacy without traditional commitment, but their defining features differ.
Friends with benefits generally describes a friendship that includes sexual activity without an expectation of a conventional romantic relationship.
A situationship may involve romance, emotional intimacy, dates, and couple-like behavior, while the nature or direction of the connection remains undefined.
Of course, these categories can overlap.
The most useful question isn’t which label fits perfectly. It’s whether both people agree on what the connection involves.
Situationship vs Talking Stage
The talking stage is typically the early period of getting to know someone romantically.
You might exchange messages, go on initial dates, and explore compatibility.
A situationship may continue well beyond that early stage.
Two people might have been emotionally or physically involved for months while still avoiding clarity about commitment.
However, duration alone doesn’t determine the label.
A connection becomes concerning when the lack of definition creates an ongoing mismatch between what the people involved want.
Why Do People Stay in Situationships?
From the outside, leaving an undefined relationship might seem straightforward.
But emotional connections rarely feel that simple.
People stay for different reasons, and not all of them are negative.
They Genuinely Enjoy the Freedom
Some individuals prefer flexibility.
They appreciate companionship, intimacy, and affection without wanting a traditional committed relationship.
When both people share this preference, the arrangement may work well.
They Hope the Relationship Will Become Serious
Someone may stay because they believe the other person will eventually develop stronger feelings or become ready for commitment.
That possibility exists, but it shouldn’t be treated as a promise.
A person’s current words and behavior are more reliable guides than an imagined future.
They Have Already Invested Emotionally
After spending months together, walking away can feel like losing something meaningful.
Shared experiences, routines, and emotional attachment can make the relationship difficult to end even when it isn’t meeting your needs.
They Fear Losing the Connection
You might think:
“If I ask for more, they’ll leave.”
This fear can encourage you to accept an arrangement that no longer feels right.
But avoiding a difficult conversation may only delay the moment when your different expectations become impossible to ignore.
They Aren’t Sure What They Want Yet
Sometimes both people are genuinely uncertain.
They may be learning about their compatibility, personal priorities, or readiness for commitment.
Uncertainty itself isn’t necessarily a problem.
What matters is whether both individuals can communicate honestly as their feelings change.
Are Situationships Healthy or Unhealthy?
A situationship isn’t automatically healthy or unhealthy.
Its effect depends on the people involved, their expectations, their communication, and how the arrangement affects their well-being.
A casual romantic connection can be positive when both individuals understand what they’re agreeing to and feel free to express changing needs.
Problems often emerge when the arrangement benefits one person while leaving the other feeling emotionally unsupported.
When a Situationship Can Be Healthy
A situationship may work when:
- Both people genuinely prefer a casual connection.
- Expectations and boundaries have been discussed.
- Neither person is making misleading promises.
- Both individuals can express discomfort without punishment or pressure.
- The arrangement continues to meet both people’s needs.
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When a Situationship Becomes Emotionally Difficult
A situationship may become unhealthy when one person consistently wants a level of commitment the other cannot or will not provide.
It may also become stressful when communication is unreliable, important questions are avoided, or boundaries are repeatedly ignored.
Research on relationship uncertainty offers useful context.
A 2024 study involving 343 adults found associations between relational uncertainty and lower relationship satisfaction, investment, and commitment.
These findings don’t establish that every situationship causes emotional distress. They do support taking uncertainty seriously when it becomes a persistent feature of a relationship.
8 Situationship Rules That Help Protect Your Peace
Even without an official relationship label, a romantic connection can benefit from clear expectations.
Here are eight practical situationship rules.
Rule 1: Be Honest About What You Want
Before asking someone else to define the relationship, consider your own preferences.
Are you genuinely comfortable with something casual?
Would you prefer exclusivity?
Are you hoping for a committed relationship?
You don’t need to have your entire future planned. But recognizing your current needs makes communication easier.
Rule 2: Discuss Exclusivity Instead of Assuming It
Never assume that regular dates, affection, or physical intimacy automatically mean exclusivity.
Ask whether either of you is seeing other people.
If sexual intimacy is involved, discuss safer sex, contraception where relevant, and sexual health expectations.
These conversations are about informed choices and mutual respect, not controlling another person.
Rule 3: Agree on Communication Expectations
One person may enjoy texting throughout the day, while another prefers occasional conversations.
Neither style is automatically wrong.
However, discussing what feels comfortable can prevent unnecessary misunderstandings.
Rule 4: Respect Each Other’s Time
Casual doesn’t have to mean careless.
If you make plans, follow through when reasonably possible.
If you need to cancel, communicate.
Basic consideration matters regardless of relationship status.
Rule 5: Don’t Promise Commitment You Don’t Intend to Offer
It’s okay to say you’re not ready for a serious relationship.
It’s not okay to repeatedly suggest a future commitment you don’t genuinely intend to pursue simply to keep someone emotionally invested.
Clear communication allows both people to make decisions based on reality.
Rule 6: Allow Feelings to Change
An arrangement that worked three months ago may no longer feel comfortable.
If your feelings deepen or your priorities shift, acknowledge that change.
You’re allowed to reconsider what you want.
The other person is also allowed to maintain their original preference.
Rule 7: Maintain Your Own Life
A romantic connection should not require abandoning friendships, interests, or personal goals.
Continue investing in the relationships and activities that matter to you.
Maintaining independence can help you make decisions based on your values rather than fear of losing someone.
Rule 8: Know When the Arrangement No Longer Works
You don’t have to remain in a situationship indefinitely.
If you’ve communicated your needs and the other person wants something fundamentally different, it may be time to reconsider the connection.
Leaving doesn’t necessarily mean either person is bad.
Sometimes two people simply want different kinds of relationships.
Situationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore
Some behaviors deserve closer attention, whether you’re in a situationship or an officially committed relationship.
Repeatedly avoiding reasonable questions
Someone doesn’t have to agree to commitment, but consistently refusing to discuss the nature of an ongoing intimate connection can prevent informed decisions.
Only contacting you when it’s convenient
A persistent pattern of last-minute contact, cancelled plans, or disappearing without explanation may indicate incompatible expectations or a lack of consideration.
Ignoring your boundaries
Pressuring you into physical intimacy, dismissing your discomfort, or disregarding agreed boundaries is concerning regardless of whether you’re officially together.
Making promises without meaningful follow-through
Occasional changes of plans are normal. Repeatedly promising commitment or change without corresponding actions deserves attention.
Making you feel guilty for expressing your needs
Asking for clarity isn’t inherently unreasonable. A partner who mocks, punishes, or pressures you for raising a respectful concern is not supporting healthy communication.
An important distinction: not wanting a committed relationship is not itself a red flag. Dishonesty, coercion, repeated disrespect, and disregard for boundaries are.
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What to Do If You’re in a Situationship
If you’re unsure where your connection is going, you don’t need to make an immediate decision.
A thoughtful approach can help you understand the situation without creating unnecessary conflict.
Step 1: Identify What You Actually Want
Ask yourself what kind of relationship would make you feel fulfilled right now.
You may want commitment, or you may be comfortable keeping things casual.
Try separating your genuine preferences from what you’re willing to accept just to maintain the connection.
Step 2: Evaluate the Relationship as It Exists Today
Rather than focusing entirely on its potential, consider your current experience.
Does the other person communicate respectfully?
Do you feel comfortable expressing yourself?
Are your boundaries honored?
Are you satisfied with the amount of time, affection, and emotional availability involved?
These questions can reveal whether the present arrangement works for you.
Step 3: Have an Honest Conversation
Choose a calm moment when you can both speak without rushing.
Explain how you feel and what you’d like to understand.
You don’t need an ultimatum or an elaborate speech.
A direct, respectful conversation is usually more useful than guessing.
Step 4: Listen to the Actual Answer
If someone says they’re not looking for a serious relationship, take that statement seriously.
They may change their mind someday, but you shouldn’t make your present decisions depend on that possibility.
Likewise, if they express interest in a committed relationship, discuss what that means in practical terms.
Step 5: Compare Your Expectations
You may discover that you’re both happy with a casual arrangement.
Or you may realize that one person wants exclusivity while the other doesn’t.
Neither outcome automatically makes someone wrong.
The goal is to identify whether there’s enough compatibility to continue.
Step 6: Make a Decision That Respects Your Needs
You can continue the connection, agree to clearer boundaries, move toward commitment, or end the relationship.
The best choice depends on your values and circumstances.
What’s important is making a conscious decision rather than remaining indefinitely in an arrangement that causes distress.
How to Ask “What Are We?” Without Making It Awkward
Defining the relationship can feel intimidating, especially when you’re afraid of losing the connection.
But the conversation doesn’t need to sound like a confrontation.
Start with what you’ve enjoyed, explain your feelings, and invite the other person to share their perspective.
Here are some natural examples.
If You Want a Serious Relationship
“I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, and I’ve started thinking about something more serious. I’d like to know how you see our relationship.”
If You Want to Understand Their Intentions
“I like what we have, but I realize we haven’t really talked about what we’re looking for. How do you feel about where this is going?”
If You Want to Discuss Exclusivity
“I think it would be good for us to talk about whether we’re seeing other people, so we’re both on the same page.”
If You’re Comfortable Keeping Things Casual
“I’m enjoying our connection, and I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now. I want to make sure that works for you too.”
If You’re No Longer Comfortable With Uncertainty
“I care about you, but I’ve realized I need more clarity and consistency than we currently have. I’d like to talk about whether we want the same things.”
You can’t control how someone responds.
But a respectful conversation gives both people an opportunity to make informed choices.
Can a Situationship Turn Into a Relationship?
Yes, a situationship can develop into a committed relationship.
Some couples begin without clear labels and gradually realize they want something more serious.
However, spending more time together doesn’t guarantee that commitment will follow.
A situationship is more likely to progress when both people independently want a relationship and are willing to discuss what that commitment involves.
Signs the connection may be moving toward commitment
- Both people initiate conversations about the future.
- You discuss exclusivity and expectations openly.
- Plans become more intentional and consistent.
- You begin including each other in important parts of your lives.
- Both people demonstrate a willingness to work through disagreements.
- Words and actions generally support the same intentions.
These signs can suggest growing commitment, but none is a guarantee.
The clearest indicator is an explicit conversation followed by consistent behavior.
How Long Should a Situationship Last Before Becoming Official?
There’s no universal deadline.
Some couples define their relationship after a few dates. Others take several months.
The appropriate timeline depends on your circumstances, comfort, and expectations.
Instead of asking whether three months or six months is too long, ask whether the current arrangement still meets your needs.
If you want commitment and the other person doesn’t, waiting longer may not resolve that incompatibility.
How to End a Situationship Respectfully
Ending a situationship can be surprisingly painful.
Even without an official label, you may have developed attachment, routines, and hopes for the future.
The absence of a formal relationship doesn’t make those feelings less meaningful.
If you’ve decided to leave, consider the following approach.
Be Clear About Your Decision
You don’t need to create an argument or prove that the other person has done something wrong.
You can simply explain that the arrangement no longer works for you.
For example:
“I’ve appreciated the time we’ve spent together, but I’ve realized I’m looking for a different kind of relationship. I think it’s best for me to move on.”
Avoid Leaving False Hope
If you’re certain you want to end the connection, avoid vague statements that suggest you’ll return when you don’t intend to.
Clarity may feel uncomfortable in the moment, but it can prevent prolonged confusion.
Set Appropriate Contact Boundaries
You may decide to take a break from messaging, social media interactions, or spending time together.
Different people need different amounts of distance.
Choose boundaries that support your well-being without using silence as punishment.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel Sad
You don’t need an official breakup to experience grief.
You may miss the person, the companionship, or the future you imagined.
Those feelings can exist even when ending the relationship was the right decision for you.
Reconnect With Your Own Priorities
Spend time with supportive friends, maintain familiar routines, and return to activities that bring you satisfaction.
If the experience has significantly affected your mental health or everyday functioning, speaking with a qualified mental health professional may help.
How to Move On From a Situationship When You Still Have Feelings
Moving on is often difficult because undefined relationships can leave unanswered questions.
You may wonder whether the connection would have become serious if you’d waited longer or behaved differently.
Those thoughts are understandable, but they don’t necessarily lead to useful answers.
Focus on what you actually know.
If you expressed your needs and the other person couldn’t meet them, that information matters more than hypothetical possibilities.
Try not to repeatedly revisit old conversations looking for hidden signs of commitment.
You can appreciate the meaningful moments you shared without deciding that the relationship was right for you.
Healing doesn’t require convincing yourself that the other person was terrible or that the entire connection was a mistake.
Sometimes, accepting incompatibility is enough.
Common Situationship Mistakes to Avoid
Many people unintentionally make situationships more complicated by relying on assumptions.
One common mistake is treating affection as a promise of commitment.
Someone can care about you and enjoy spending time with you without wanting an exclusive relationship.
Another mistake is pretending to be comfortable with casual dating when you genuinely want something serious.
That approach may preserve the connection temporarily, but it can create resentment over time.
It’s also unhelpful to use jealousy, silence, or emotional pressure to force someone into defining the relationship.
Healthy commitment comes from mutual willingness, not manipulation.
Finally, avoid assuming every situationship has the same outcome.
Some remain casual by mutual choice. Some develop into committed relationships. Others end when the people involved realize they want different things.
What matters most is whether your decisions reflect your actual needs.
Frequently Asked Questions About Situationships
What is the real meaning of situationship?
A situationship is a romantic or intimate connection without a clearly agreed-upon relationship status, commitment, or expectations. It may include dating, affection, emotional closeness, or physical intimacy.
Is a situationship the same as a relationship?
Not exactly. A situationship is a type of romantic connection, but it often lacks the shared definition and commitment associated with an established relationship.
Can you fall in love in a situationship?
Yes. People can develop strong romantic feelings even when they haven’t defined their relationship. However, falling in love doesn’t guarantee that the other person wants the same level of commitment.
Is a situationship exclusive?
Not necessarily. Some situationships are exclusive, while others aren’t. Exclusivity should be discussed directly rather than assumed.
Can a situationship last for years?
Yes, an undefined romantic connection can continue for a long time. Whether that arrangement is healthy depends on mutual expectations, communication, boundaries, and whether both people remain comfortable with it.
What are the biggest situationship red flags?
Repeated dishonesty, disregard for boundaries, emotional pressure, inconsistent treatment, and persistent avoidance of important conversations are concerning signs. A preference for casual dating alone is not a red flag.
How do you know if a situationship is turning serious?
Look for mutual discussions about commitment, clearer expectations, consistent behavior, intentional future planning, and agreement about the relationship’s direction.
Should I ask for a relationship label?
If having a clear label matters to you, it’s reasonable to discuss it. You can explain what commitment means to you while allowing the other person to share their own preferences.
Is it okay to leave a situationship?
Yes. You’re allowed to end a romantic connection that no longer meets your needs, even if you were never officially together.
Why does ending a situationship hurt so much?
Emotional attachment can develop without formal commitment. You may grieve the person, your shared routines, and the future you hoped to experience together.
Can a situationship be healthy?
Yes, when both people genuinely want the arrangement, understand its boundaries, communicate honestly, and respect each other’s changing needs.
What should I do if I want more but they don’t?
Communicate your needs clearly and take their response seriously. If you want fundamentally different things, consider whether continuing the connection would be emotionally sustainable for you.
Conclusion: A Situationship Doesn’t Have to Define Your Worth
Understanding the situationship meaning can help you recognize why a romantic connection feels meaningful yet difficult to describe.
Some situationships are enjoyable, respectful arrangements between people who genuinely prefer casual dating.
Others become painful because emotional expectations develop without clear communication or mutual commitment.
Neither a relationship label nor the absence of one tells the whole story.
What matters is whether you feel respected, whether your needs can be discussed openly, and whether both people understand what they’re choosing.
If you’re happy with the connection as it is, you don’t need to change it simply because other people expect a traditional relationship.
But if you’re constantly waiting for clarity, hoping for commitment, or compromising needs that matter deeply to you, it’s reasonable to ask for something different.
You don’t need to force someone to choose you. You do need to decide whether the relationship they’re offering is one you genuinely want.